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Writing advice for men’s style is often a tricky business. Sure, giving style advice often makes me question my own masculinity in a Jimmy Pop sort-of-way; however, my personal issues aside, the real problem is that there is never a single solution that is perfect for every man. Styling issues have no simple, all-encompassing, fix-it solution. There’s no duct tape styling issues.

Your personal style should speak about your own individuality. It should cater to your strengths and your positive attributes. Hair is a great example. A lot can be perceived from haircut: no one would ever mistake Travis Bickle with Tony Montana or Peter Griffin with Homer Simpson. You’ll never see President Bush in the Oval office with hippie hair and soul patch and you’ll never watch Steve Nash dish out a pass MVP worthy pass without his funny long hair following behind him. Hair matters that much.

That said, I do everything in my power to try and not and sound like Bruno from Da Ali G Show, but sometimes I have to lay down the style law. Eighties revival and nostalgia is cool and chic when it comes to cartoon references, but the rest of the eighties should stay buried in the past. I might not be the voice of the Austrian youth, but here is a list of hair styles that are just criminal.

5. Cock Rock Hair (80’s Big Hair)

Infamous wearer(s): Axl Rose, David Lee Roth

While this style might be worn by some of your favorite late eighties and early nineties metal acts such as Guns ‘N Roses and Van Halen, the only people that wear these haircuts now routinely steal bicycles and buy cigarettes individually. You can listen to the music, mimic their guitar solos in the privacy of your bedroom but just don’t copy their style sense. Big hair looks homely on anyone this side of the Justin Hawkin’s marquee falsetto. For the rest of us, this haircut should only be worn in the darkness.

4.  The Bowl Cut (Mushroom Cut)

Notable Variation: The Beatles

If you remember Moe from the Three Stooges, I can guarantee you it wasn’t due to his bowl haircut. Excluding British rockers that claimed to be bigger than Jesus, this haircut was once a sign of poverty. Also known as the pot or mushroom haircut, it earned its name from its relatively easy to achieve style. Nowadays this hairstyle only screams slapstick. Trust me, there’s a reason why only Curly’s haircut can be worn with any style today. If you are going into vaudeville consider the bowl haircut-but all others need not apply.

3. Jheri Curl

Infamous Wearer(s): Michael Jackson (Thriller Years)

Not everyone who once had Jheri Curls have suffered terrible run of court cases and bankruptcy files. Jamie Foxx won an Academy Award and a Grammy, Charlie Murphy is hilarious on the Chappelle’s show, and Ice Cube’s latest album Laugh Now, Cry Later proves that those potent N.W.A years weren’t dulled by his questionable acting career. All of these stars no longer wear the Jheri Curl. Is that a coincidence? I think not.

2.  The Mullet

Infamous Wearer(s): Terry & Deaner (Fubar),

Worst Offenders of the 80’s: Billy Ray Cyrus, Bono, The Ultimate Warrior

Infamous variation: A.C. Slater’s Frolet (Afro + Mullet) in Saved by the Bell

Sure, Fubar was a good movie, but that was years ago.  And so what if Billy Ray Cyrus croons about his mullet on his new album? This style was dead soon after it was resurrected. Recently, I had the unfortunate experience witnessing an entire five-person family who all wore mullets. That’s a mother, a father, and three children. I consider this a form of child abuse. Like an oft-abused illegal drug, the Mullet is known by many street names: the short-long, the ape drape, hockey hair, etc. It’s not that it just isn’t cool-it’s a colossal joke that got way out of hand. Please be a part of making this achy-breaky-bad-mistakey die.

1. The Rat Tail

Sported By: Wifebeater wearing Suburban Gangstas, and unfortunate children aged 8-13

The cousin to the Mullet, this aesthetically unpleasant hairstyle can unfortunately be by both the male and female gender. Requiring more effort than the traditional mullet to achieve its undesirable effect suggests that the wearers are even more hardcore than their Mullet cousins. On visual contact of a rat trail, avert eyes, don’t make eye contact with the individual, resist to the urge to forcefully remove the tail with a sharp object, and back away very slowly.

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