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Facial hair is a funny thing. A female acquaintance of mine once told me that a man with a wild full beard and a hairy chest was so ugly that it was incredibly sexy. I immediately questioned her sanity; but she did have a point. For a guy, facial hair is the masculine equivalent of make-up without all the extra costs and the trip to the drug store.

To set the record straight, I’m not writing about that Chia Pet you grew on your face in high school to try to sneak into clubs. I’m talking about proper facial hair, the kind that takes maintenance and sets you apart from the crowd, the type of hair that drips of masculinity and differentiates the full grown man from the peach-fuzz addled teenager.

Here are the top five facial hair styles you might want to try and five you should avoid at all costs; unless, of course, your career choices include pro wrestling, piracy, and/or tyranny. Otherwise, when choosing a facial hair style leave room for some tasteful creativity and have fun personalizing your style.

Styles to Try:

A Fresh Face

Notable Examples: Any or all Calvin Klein Male Underwear models

You can’t really go wrong with being clean shaven. It almost always looks good, it lowers your perceived age, and gives you a Zack Morris classy, preppy look.  Your girlfriend will appreciate that she can get close for a kiss without feeling like she’s rubbing up against sandpaper. The only major problem is that this look requires daily maintenance and this style might not appeal to adults who are still carded when trying to buy a 1977 bottle of Merlot.

The After 5:00 Shadow

Notable Examples: George Clooney

Like After Eight chocolate mints, some women find this look to be scrumptious. Done properly, this look will turn heads from dusk ’till dawn. This style casts a mature dark silhouette across the man’s face. It is a look that sends a mature but rebellious message. Like a Honda, this look does not require a lot of maintenance, just a shave every couple of days depending on how quickly your facial hair grows. Just make sure to take the time to keep it maintained to avoid any awkward in-between stages. You want stubble not post-pubescent bushiness.

The Soul Patch

Videogame Representation: Jak from Jak & Daxter

So, you want to be a little wild and a little mischievous while still remaining classy? You want to sit in the park banging out some tunes with your acoustic guitar playing buddy or would you rather be pulling down a large business deal? Either way the soul patch may be for you. The soul patch style is more versatile than most people think. It has the ability to narrow rounder-faced individuals and it can add maturity or youth depending on how it’s styled. Smiles become more mischievous and serious looks can become underscored. It can be shaped in a variety of ways to create a personalized look. On the maintenance side, the soul patch requires regular maintenance to keep it neat and trim as it can lose its effect if one neglects to keep the rest of the face clean shaven.

Goatee

Cartoon Representation: Frylock from Aqua Teen Hunger Force

Here’s a true story about the power of the goatee: I have a friend who was having a hard time at medical school because none of his patients would take him seriously because he looked like Doogie Howser. So, one night he decided to stop clean-shaving and grow a goatee with a mustache. Overnight, he went from a ‘Sonny’ to a ‘Sir.’  While the goatee is a higher maintenance style it is a look that can dramatically increase the perceived age of a man. There are several variations on the style which can make you look like anything from an upcoming young professional to a worn out rock’n'roll roadie.

Full Beard

Cartoon Representation: Jesus from South Park

It’s hard not to imagine a full beard without thinking of a Biblical character or a lumberjack. In the best situations a full beard can add a degree of wisdom and maturity to man’s face; however, you don’t want to imitate Gandalf-the-Grey anytime soon. A proper beard requires a lot of maintenance. It needs to be trimmed frequently and neatened with clippers. You want to avoid looking like Robinson Crusoe on his bad hair day.

Styles to Avoid:

The Tyrant (Toothbrush)

Comic Book  Representation: J Jonah Jameson (Spider-man’s Evil Boss)

You know this look. You’ve seen it worn by dictators on the History Channel and by actor J.K. Simmons in the Spider-man movies. It’s a mustache that is about the size of toothbrush situated right under the nose. Avoid it at all costs unless you’d like to be confused with the latest historical super-villain.

Friendly Mutton Chops

Recent Sightings: Nothing since the late 1800’s

Everything that is old is new again, right? Wrong. This is one style that should just stay dead. This facial hair style has the side burns grow directly into the mustache. This is not to be confused with the variations of the Chin Curtain which can have thin or thick beards connect to the sideburns. Those can be hip and cool. This look only works for wannabe chicken chefs who are after Colonel Sanders’s fried chicken empire.

The Handlebar

Videogame Representation: Mario and Luigi

Sure, Mario Galaxy will be the first game on your Wii list but does that mean you want to look like the round Italian plumber? I hope not. The handlebar mustache is much like a regular mustache, only the tips are waxed upwards. That wax is better used elsewhere. This look only lives on in the Mushroom Kingdom.

The Fu Machu

Network television: Hulk Hogan, Paul Teutul Sr. (American Chopper)

This is another one of those looks that screams pure evil. Surprisingly, the look was popular in the United States during the 1970s. Similar to the Blaxploitation, this style grew out of a genre of films and books that played on an intense Western interest (and a complete utter lack of knowledge) of Eastern culture. It now is a standard style for Harley-riding bikers and Pro Wrestlers.

The Walrus

Prime Time Cartoon: Simpson’s Neighbor Ned Flanders

No, I’m not talking about the Beatles song. The walrus is a mustache style where the lips are eclipsed by a large overhanging mustache. The best real life examples of this facial hair style can be found in the library.  Examine a picture of literary genius Mark Twain or of renowned physicist Albert Einstein to get a clear understanding of this look. I guess it is safe to assume that when you’re that smart you never need to worry about style.

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